Constantly Learning

I do not want to call anyone out on a public blog, but I do want to make some of my feelings known. I've been through a lot this past semester and a half. No, I have not had the heartache of someone very close to me dying (thank the Lord for sparing me of that so far in my life). And no, I have not had a break up of a relationship. But, yes I have had heartache and very down times. I have had a lot of changes take place in my life over the past 6 months. These changes are due to God working in my life to mold me into what He wants me to become.
At the beginning of last semester, everything was hunky-dorey for me. I had my 2 best friends around all the time, I was graduating in May, and life was just falling into place. Over a series of circumstances (some of which I knew of and some of which I didn't), it is second semester and I am without my 2 best friends here and I am not graduating in May. I was bitter and upset for a little bit, but God really scooped me up in His loving arms and taught me about His perfect planning for our lives and how it is not our plan that matters, but His. That was the biggest lesson I've learned this year.
Now on the subject of friends. I am a very friend-oriented person. I do not have a lot of friends. I don't even like to have a lot of friends. I'm the type of person that likes to have 2 or 3 friends that are really really close to me. That is how I've been all my life, and try as I may, I don't think that will ever change. For the past 3 and 1/2 years, I've had my core group of friends. Granted, some of them have come and gone but my 2 girls and me have been together since the beginning. It was very hard for me to come back to school this semester and not have them here. It really was of God that they are not here anymore. I had to rely on God to be my best friend. It was no longer the unit upstairs that I would run to when I had a problem, but to Him. I love my girls to death, but even good, Godly friends can get in the way of our relationship with the only friend we really need. God gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD! Not that I don't talk to Karyn and Bekah all the time or at least message them or something, but with them not being here, I've been able to rely on God.
With that said, I have been evaluating myself and how I choose friends and what I want in a friend. Because basically, I had no one to hang out with. So I started hanging out with new people, which I don't enjoy but I figured it necessary. I absolutely loved the way the Bekah and Karyn and I could just hang out and not be doing anything at all and still be comfortable in each others' presence and still have a blast! I definitely wanted Godly friends. I want friends that will build me up and not criticize me. I want friends that can tell me exactly what they are thinking. I want friends that I can have fun with. I want friends that are chill. I want friends that are respectful of me and I of them. I want friends that have servants hearts. I want friends that want so desperately to do God's will. I want friends that think with their own minds. I don't want my friends to be brainwashed by what's around them. I want my friends to laugh....out loud....and not care who hears. I want my friends to have spontaneous dance parties, or spontaneous anything for that matter. I want my friends to be people I can go to with my problems and know that they will rebuke me, but will do so lovingly and not rat me out. In some of the people that I hung out with, I found many opposites of these things. I did not feel like I could talk openly with people. I felt like I always had to be proper or I would get yelled at. But some other people that I hung out with had so many of these qualities, it scares me.
I know I'm rambling, but the main thing I want to say is....yes, I have changed. God is the one who changed me. I am no longer in a bubble. I am going to expand my horizons. I am going to make my own choices (not that I didn't before, but I kind of made choices for the best of "the group"). Now I'm kind of a loner. God is now my best friend. And if you don't like me, I will tell you to feel free to tell me so. I will take your criticism, evaluate my heart, and see if there is something I need to change. But, before you do so, I challenge you to evaluate your own heart, as we all should be doing constantly.
Again, I'm rambling and it's really hard for me to put my thoughts into words. SOOOOOO the end! :-)