Well, this is going to start the same way anyone would start a blog after a month and a half...
"Wow! It's been a while since I've been on here!" There. I said it! Yes, life has continued since I've been home from school. I am working at Sam's Club again this summer. It is turning out to not be as dull and monotonous as I remember last summer being. But, I guess we are not even to the end of June, so we'll see! I have been playing soccer on a team in an adult co-ed league and it's really fun. I am on a team with a few friends from high school so it's always a fun time.
The real reason I decided to write today, other than I have the day off, was because I've been very bummed the last few days. I'm probably going to write some things that are irrational, but I will try to be as rational as I can. I have been trying to figure out, over the past few weeks, what is wrong with me. Now, I know, God makes us in His image and He has a plan for our lives and ultimately it is for His glory. But, sometimes I feel (and I know the word "feel" is somewhat obscure and irrational but stick with me) that there must be something about me that good Christian guys don't like or aren't attracted to. I just get so confused. I try to live every day to please God. I have a good head on my shoulders. I love to get involved in my church and community. I think I have a fun personality. I know I'm not a super-model and I don't want to be one, but I do take good care of my body by exercising regularly. We all have our faults and mine are pretty big sometimes, but I just don't get it. Again, I KNOW God has a plan, but in my finite mind, it doesn't make sense. I just get so sad sometimes because I desire so much to have that close, personal relationship with a husband, one that God has obviously created. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mom. And I know God knows the desires of my heart. I believe He's the one that put those desires there. It's just really hard waiting. And Satan will do his best to get me down, and in all honesty, I'm letting him do a pretty good job so far this summer. I don't even know how to express what I am feeling and thinking right now. I always thought it would be like go to college, meet someone, fall in love, get married, have babies, grow old together...you know, the "normal" stuff. God has amazing plans for my life, I've known that for a few years now. Maybe that doesn't involve a man. That makes me so so so very sad, but I know that if that's God's plan, that is going to have to be my plan too. Maybe I will be more effective doing God's work single, than with a boyfriend or husband. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am struggling with that idea and I am praying daily for God to either grant me the desires of my heart, or to change my desires to meet His. I want my desires for my life to match God's. That is what I want. It's just hard. And if you're reading this, you probably know what I mean. I'm not trying to complain, I'm just saying. I should probably stop typing now since I think I'm starting to not make any sense. :-P
Well, I'm off to.....do nothing! :)
